As humans, we are wired for connection. Our relationships have the ability to bring us safety, comfort, joy, and belonging. When we are in an unhealthy relationship, it can lead to feelings of uncertainty, disconnection and a lack of safety. Many people find themselves questioning what a safe, supportive relationship actually looks like. So it is important to be able to identify signs that indicate a relationship is safe. This is what we call “green flags”. Green flags may help guide us towards building and sustaining healthy relationships, whether this means with friends, colleagues, family members, or romantic relationships. Everyone may have different green flags, but here are a few signs of a healthy relationship.
Mutual Respect of Boundaries
One of the best indicators of a green flag in a relationship is the mutual respect of boundaries. There are different types of boundaries: rigid, you may be strict and you keep yourself at a distance to protect yourself but this may lead to isolation. Porous, you may have difficulty saying no, overextend yourself, or feel responsible for others’ emotions. Healthy boundaries provide a balance of self-protection and closeness, meaning you allow yourself to be vulnerable while also remaining firm enough to protect your emotional, physical, and mental well-being.
Boundaries are essential in any relationship and they are a helpful tool you can use to ensure you and the other person’s limits are honored. An example of a green flag with boundaries is, one person says, “I care about what you are going through, but I am emotionally drained and I am not able to be as present as I want to be. Could we talk tomorrow about this?” and the other person responds with, “Of course. Thank you for being honest, I appreciate you letting me know.” The ideal is that both individuals have a sense of respect and reciprocity for each other’s boundary systems.
Healthy Communication
Healthy communication in a relationship often feels grounded in clarity, honesty, and gentle assertiveness. It involves being able to express your thoughts, emotions, and needs in a way that is both open and respectful, while also making space for the other person to do the same. Often, in unhealthy relationships, communication may look like passive, aggressive, or passive aggressive communication.
Assertive communication however tends to be more direct and grounded. It often uses language such as, “I feel” and “I need” which allows each person to take ownership of their emotions without placing blame on the other person. This way of communicating creates more emotional safety, reduces defensiveness, and invites understanding rather than conflict. When both people are able to express themselves in this way, it fosters a deeper sense of being seen, heard, and valued within the relationship.
Reciprocity In Connection
Reciprocity is the give and take that sustains a connection. Relationship experts Julie and John Gottman say relationships are marked by “bids of connection”, which are small gestures that seek attention, affirmation, or affection from one another.
In healthy relationships, these bids are met with reciprocity and understanding. John Gottman often uses the phrase “turning towards instead of away”, which means that even in conflict, he invites you to turn towards your partner. When these bids for connection are met, it strengthens the bond of the relationship. It is important to reciprocate, in any type of relationship, because it shows investment and care. When there is reciprocation, it teaches your nervous system it is safe to be vulnerable which allows for deeper connection and makes navigating conflict easier.
By recognizing these green flags in your relationships, you can guide yourself towards healthier and more fulfilling relationships that are in line with your values. I encourage you to reflect on your current relationships and perhaps explore where you can incorporate these green flags. Nurturing these relationships is a journey but I am here to support you along the way.
Compassionate Affirmation: “I am worthy of deep, meaningful connections.”
Additional Resource: The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work by John Gottman – The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has revolutionized the way we understand, repair, and strengthen marriages. John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make—and break—a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. You can get the book here.
Becoming Anchored in Hope,
LPC-MHSP, CEDS-C, ACS, NCC
Owner + Director
Laura is committed to guiding individuals along their path to mental wellness and has carefully gathered a team of skilled, knowledgeable, and committed therapists at Anchored Counseling Co. to assist in this mission.
The professionals here create an environment that is supportive and affirmed, informed by an understanding of trauma. At Anchored Counseling Co., there’s a shared belief in the fundamental worth of each person, and therapy is delivered with warmth and empathy. The therapeutic philosophy here is built on the premise that every client has the natural ability to enact meaningful and enduring change in their life.
To connect with a therapist who aligns with your unique needs, please contact our office at 615.510.3797 or contact us here.
