In life, we will come face to face with times where we have to have hard conversations. It may feel easier to ignore the conversation because these conversations may feel awkward or uncomfortable. However, avoiding difficult conversations does not make the tension go away—it may lead to resentment in relationships. When we have the courage to face discomfort head-on, we create space for honesty, growth, and stronger relationships. I want to share helpful tools on how to navigate these conversations.
Explore Why These Conversations Are Hard
First, we have to acknowledge that something is going to be hard, whether this is a conversation, setting a boundary, using your voice, or practicing assertiveness skills. Whichever it may be, I encourage you to get curious about what may make having a conversation hard. Is it difficult for you to speak up? Perhaps you have had an experience where you felt dismissed during these types of conversations or that you did not feel heard.
Another reason why it may feel difficult is that you have felt in the past that people have not been receptive to you. Or you may use people-pleasing behaviors so you never have used your voice to speak up for yourself. It is important to begin here to explore what has led to these conversations feeling difficult.
Communication Styles
Another important aspect of having a hard conversation is to explore your communication style. There are different types of communication:
- Assertive: direct, self-expressive, and self-confident
- Passive: indirect, blaming, and emotionally dishonest
- Aggressive: direct, attacking, and inappropriately honest
- Passive aggressive: emotionally dishonest, indirect, vague, and subtly critical
It is helpful to explore which communication style you fall under, and there is no shame if you have communicated in unhealthy ways in the past.
So, when you are communicating and you are maybe afraid or you feel shame, do you tend to go towards passive communication or passive aggressive communication or even aggressive communication? The most healthy style is assertive, this means “I feel and I need”. I invite you to begin working on expressing your emotions and needs in a healthy way.
Having a Hard Conversation
Regardless of what type of difficult conversation you may be having, here are some tools to use during it. One is using “I statements”. This means instead of using phrases such as, “You always…” or “This is your fault,” I invite you to use the “I statement” model which is: “I feel __ when __ because __”. This may look like “I feel sad when I am getting yelled at because it makes me feel unheard.” This is a healthy way to communicate what you are feeling about the situation rather than blaming or attacking.
Another helpful tool to use during these conversations is to express your feelings and needs.
This may look like saying, “I feel sad when these comments are made, and I need you to be mindful of how your words come across.” It may feel difficult to first express your emotions and needs, but I encourage you to continue to practice this as it will help you navigate these difficult conversations and move forward in health in your relationships.
Also, remember, when you have a hard conversation, it can be also helpful to give the other person some space and time to digest what you are saying. I try to remember to resist the urge to make assumptions and to give the other person the benefit of the doubt as well. Hard conversations in the moment can feel distressing, and I see you in this process. The purpose of having them is to support you in moving towards healthier and more quality relationships.
Compassionate Affirmation: “I am strong and resilient and I can have hard conversations.”
Additional Resource: On this episode of Becoming Anchored, hosts Lauren Jackson and Laura Deneen dive into the delicate and often daunting topic of how to have hard conversations. Broadcasting from Brentwood, Tennessee, this episode sets the stage for a new season dedicated to exploring personal growth and emotional well-being. You can listen to the episode here.
Becoming Anchored in Hope,
Laura
LPC-MHSP, CEDS-C, ACS, NCC
Owner + Director
Laura is committed to guiding individuals along their path to mental wellness and has carefully gathered a team of skilled, knowledgeable, and committed therapists at Anchored Counseling Co. to assist in this mission.
The professionals here create an environment that is supportive and affirmed, informed by an understanding of trauma. At Anchored Counseling Co., there’s a shared belief in the fundamental worth of each person, and therapy is delivered with warmth and empathy. The therapeutic philosophy here is built on the premise that every client has the natural ability to enact meaningful and enduring change in their life.
To connect with a therapist who aligns with your unique needs, please contact our office at 615.510.3797 or contact us here.
