Do you notice you put others’ needs before your own to the point where you feel like you’re losing yourself? This is a common behavior known as people-pleasing. People-pleasing often begins with good intentions – you want to be helpful or kind to others, but somewhere along the way it can quietly turn into abandoning yourself and your needs. Some common signs you may be people-pleasing are difficulty saying no without feeling guilty, overcommitting but feeling burnt out, or struggling to identify your own needs. Many people have people-pleasing tendencies, so you are not alone. Here are a few ways to move through these behaviors.
Name and Recognize The Behavior
Take a moment and explore when, where, and with whom the people-pleasing behaviors tend to be present. Perhaps you learned this behavior when you were young because it kept you safe within your family or you learned it when you became an adult because you were praised for always being available for people.
People-pleasing may feel hard to stop because it may lead to rejection, an increase in conflict which may feel like it threatens your relationships, or you have associated being liked equates to being valued in life. The root of people-pleasing often stems from our desire for approval or to feel connected.
Understand The Consequences
People-pleasing often leads to several consequences. One of them is poor boundaries. This may look like over-extending yourself, saying yes to everyone and everything, or being enmeshed in relationships where you feel responsible for other people’s emotions. If you have poor boundaries, you may notice you feel overwhelmed or begin to feel taken advantage of.
Another consequence is self-abandonment; you may begin to reject your own needs for others’ in order for approval or to maintain the relationships in your life. Self-abandonment looks like emotional suppression; stuffing down your emotions and not listening to them when they are telling you they have a need. It also looks like relying solely on external validation, instead of being able to build your own internal wisdom and compass.
Start Making Changes
Working through people-pleasing does not mean you become selfish or uncaring; it means learning that your needs matter too. One effective strategy to reduce people-pleasing is to pause before automatically saying “yes” to requests. This gives you the opportunity to evaluate whether or not you have the capacity to do it and allows you to prioritize your needs if you are feeling overwhelmed or burnt out.
Another strategy is to practice assertive communication and set healthy boundaries. Assertive communication means you are respecting others’ needs and your own. This can look like using “I” statements, “I feel sad when …”. This helps the other person know how you are feeling without the other person feeling as if they are being accused or blamed. Another way to practice assertive communication and boundary setting is by clearly stating your needs, “I need to have alone time today”. I encourage you to communicate it directly and clearly so your needs will get met.
People-pleasing may have served you in the past; however, in healthy relationships, both individuals are able to identify and meet their needs consistently and adequately. Here are a few, gentle reminders as you are moving through this: you do not have to overextend yourself to deserve connection. You do not have to keep everyone happy to be worthy of love. You deserve to also have your needs met.
Compassionate Affirmation: “I am allowed to say no and my needs matter.”
Additional Resource: Stop People Pleasing: And Find Your Power by Hailey Magee – Combining social science, psychology, and hands-on coaching exercises, Stop People Pleasing teaches you how to connect with your own feelings, needs, and dreams; courageously advocate for yourself in your relationships with friends, family, and colleagues; soothe yourself through the growing pains of healing; and dive headfirst into pleasure and play. You can find the book here.
Becoming Anchored in Hope,
LPC-MHSP, CEDS-C, ACS, NCC
Owner + Director
Laura is committed to guiding individuals along their path to mental wellness and has carefully gathered a team of skilled, knowledgeable, and committed therapists at Anchored Counseling Co. to assist in this mission.
The professionals here create an environment that is supportive and affirmed, informed by an understanding of trauma. At Anchored Counseling Co., there’s a shared belief in the fundamental worth of each person, and therapy is delivered with warmth and empathy. The therapeutic philosophy here is built on the premise that every client has the natural ability to enact meaningful and enduring change in their life.
To connect with a therapist who aligns with your unique needs, please contact our office at 615.510.3797 or contact us here.
